Thursday, July 14, 2011

How Not To Get Hired in Retail

So, you're thinking about working in retail. Perhaps you're one of the very few that wants to sit on unemployment for as long as you can, or perhaps you want to make a token attempt to look for a job to satisfy your parents, significant other, or complaining roommates. Or, perhaps you're attempting to work your mojo on a job in a different field (I've done this, sending out a boatload of job applications to try and get some kind of action happening on a job I really want. I'm not gonna lie).

But, all you know is that you have absolutely no intention of accepting the job you're applying for, and you want to do everything you can to not even get to an interview. But, how do you keep from being interviewed?


1) Be an absolute dick to any manager you can find.

By absolute dick, I don't mean just a swaggering Jersey Shore douchebag (or baguette). I mean, invoke Louis XIV. You are God's Gift to retail. You are the best candidate that anyone could ever ever find. Snap your fingers when requesting an app... no, wait, request? Psh. Hell with that, *demand!* Fill the thing out at the cash register, preferably if they're busy and there's a line. Steal their pen. And after you turn the thing in, act miffed when you aren't immediately begged to work there.

2) If you can't carry off being an absolute dick, try to creep the manager the fuck out.

Watch a few serial killer movies for inspiration. Too-long eye contact, or don't make any at all. Leer at the person accepting your application (no matter your gender or theirs). Make jokes that are just plain weird, invade the employee's space, talk over them, violate any social norms you can think of. Smear blood on the application, and point it out to the person accepting your app, and let them know that you've included a "sample." Make the employees question your sanity.

3) Select an employer that is obviously, totally, completely outside of your demographic.

I don't mean go to the "rich" mall or "poor" mall when you exhibit class characteristics of the opposite. I mean, find a store that is definitely, 100% totally Not You. If you have gauged lobes, plenty of tattoos, and plenty of other counterculture signifiers, go apply at a super!cute little girl's boutique. If you barely clear five feet, apply at a big and tall store. Don't just go somewhere that you don't fit the mold, apply at a place where you are so far from the mold that it's disorienting.

4) Fill out the application entirely incorrectly.

Get creative with it. Don't just leave off a couple mundane bits of information, write your entire application in the spaces outside of the little boxes in which you're supposed to write. Include your education information in the work history section, and put your work history where you're supposed to write down your personal info. Or just write your name, give your phone number, and don't write a thing else on the app. This tactic simply won't work if you're with one of the people that actively wants you to get a job, though. Best to do this when they can't catch you out at your antics.

5) Directly insult the store to which you are applying.

Some people may consider #1, 2, and 4 to be insulting to the store, but I don't just mean "misbehave" or "violate social norms" here. I mean remark out loud, directly, and bluntly how badly the store you're in sucks, where current employees can hear you (Example: "God, this shithole is filled with the ugliest crap I've ever seen!"). Or insult the employees directly themselves (Example: "I really would love to see the freakshow that all of these aproned goobers crawled out of."). This tactic is best deployed before you ask for that applicaiton, and it's especially effective when paired with #1.

6) Bug the shit out of the hiring manager.

After you drop the app, call. Call again, until you get the hiring manager. And then call a few more times. Show up at the store. Show up in the parking lot to say hi to the hiring manager. Find them in the coffee line. Barge into the stockroom while they're on their break. But, don't go so far to get a restraining order. You're trying not to get a job here, not trying to get arrested.

7) Do all of the above, and repeat three months later.

After you've stalked, annoyed, insulted, pestered, and creeped out the members of the store where you would not like to work, to ensure that you won't be working there, you will always have plenty of opportunity to go right back and do it again. You're trying not to work, right? Try not to work as hard as you possibly can!